I want the people around me to be well, and I go to great lengths to make it happen. Even in my worst years as a criminal, I was always an altruist, at least toward the people closest to me. After many years, I’ve come to understand that I also need a certain amount of selfishness just to make sure the people around me are okay. Sometimes I simply have to put myself first.
The dictionary defines altruism as “an unselfish and self-sacrificing attitude and action toward others. Altruism is the opposite of selfishness.”
As children, we’re born selfish. We are the centre of the universe, at least if we grow up with someone in the family who cares about us. Diapers get changed, food appears as if by magic, we’re told stories and sung to. All our needs are met without us having to give anything back. And that’s how it should be. But gradually we actually have to learn how to make our way in the world.
If a child never gets correction, or the necessary information about the written and unwritten rules of life, it’s easy for them to grow up believing society’s rules don’t apply to them.
Others grow up in difficult circumstances, never receive confirmation that they are good enough, and end up believing they don’t matter. Why should they respect the structures of a society that doesn’t see them or respect them? Why should they follow the rules?
Like all the parents I know, I struggle to find the right middle ground when raising my own kids. It’s by far the easiest to just let them have their way, whether it’s about bedtime, screen time, or things they want. The gods know I’ve broken my own house rules plenty of times, either because I didn’t have the energy for an argument, or because I was simply exhausted myself.
Every time it happens, I know it creates a new precedent and trouble for later. The house rules erode, and you can bet the kids remember every time they got the rules stretched a little. An exhausted mother or father has little capacity to do “the right thing,” whether that’s about money, cooking from scratch, or raising children.
That’s why I want to make a case for “selfish altruism.” I prioritise running for half an hour every day, completely alone, no matter where I am and no matter how chaotic my life feels. It’s nothing my wife or kids are part of, but it works wonders on many levels. I listen to music I like. I notice that I’m paying back a little to the body I beat up through years of abuse. And I take a break from a thousand work worries. The body gets tired, but it recharges for new challenges.
Like with all good things, of course, it can become too much. This has to be balanced against the needs of everyone in the family. My wife needs just as much time to herself as I do, but once I’ve recharged a little, it’s far more enjoyable to pick the kids up from school and kindergarten while she spends another weekend working as a midwife. In the same way, I have to actually step up when she needs time alone or with her friends.
I have friends who have gone through divorce, including Gjermund:
“We believed that absolutely everything had to be done together, otherwise we weren’t a successful family. No more guys’ nights or girls’ nights, no more game nights, no more trips or sitting alone in a café with a book. Everything had to centre around us as Dad and Mum, and lovely photos of family bliss on Facebook,” Gjermund says. He continues: “If we’d prioritised a little more time alone when we were married, maybe we wouldn’t have ended up divorced.”
That gave me something to think about.
Recharging and maintenance matter for electric cars, phones, and people alike. I’ve come to realise that both my wife and I need to recharge now and then for us to actually work. Once in a while, we even get help from kind family members so we can take a long weekend without the kids. That’s when we allow ourselves to just be Arman and Therese, not Dad and Mum. And it’s good for the kids too, because they get happier parents back.
If you want to be an altruist and work to make sure the people around you are well, you also have to be a little selfish sometimes.